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‘Twas the Night Before CFL Christmas

By
Ryan Ballantine
-
December 24, 2020
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    Every year I do a Grey Cup parody of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas that talks about the teams and fans alike as we look ahead to the game to come.

    This year, there was no Grey Cup due to the pandemic and so the benevolent overlords at 3DownNation decided I should instead save it for the day intended rather than the day we all hope to be a part of.

    So with apologies in advance to the ghost of Clement Clark Moore, we begin!

     

    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the league

    Fans, players, and coaches suffered COVID Fatigue

    Season tickets had been thrown into the fire,

    A pandemic the reason that let them expire

     

    Fans of the Bombers didn’t seem much to mind

    As since 1990 they’d been so maligned

    So the trophy in Winnipeg was destined to stay

    As fans tightened their grip on the Cup of Lord Grey

     

    Elsewhere GMs tossed and turned in their beds

    Nightmares of roster holes filling their heads

    Cancelling parties, reunions, and other engagements

    To answer the calls of pending free agents

     

    Contract negotiations filling their days

    As players lined up just trying to get paid

    Some of the numbers may be an illusion

    If one believes the reports of collusion

     

    The Commissioner has sat in his office all year

    Pitching the world to buy some league gear

    Jerseys and hoodies, or a jaunty chapeau

    Every day selling our game (two point oh)

     

    The fans of the league were left with their memories

    Watching games on cable proved not quite the remedy

    They’d tune in each Friday, with their snacks and their booze

    Wondering how many times they could watch Saskatchewan lose

     

    In Calgary they wondered about Bo Levi Mitchell

    His newly-fixed shoulder might just prove to be fickle

    The Redblacks had signed his former backup Arbuckle

    After Huf and Dicky made him tough as a knuckle

     

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    Former Pro Bowl QB Gus Frerotte wonders if Chris Streveler can 'cut the mustard' in the NFL

    The winds of change blew over the Lions

    As they suffered the loss of a CFL giant

    A new GM and a question of money

    When Mike Reilly declared that something was funny

     

    In Toronto, the Argos fight to stay afloat

    Hoping to bring back fans like they brought back the boat

    Whether anyone notices at MLSE

    Is something we are all going to have to wait to see

     

    A new name and new logo for the Edmonton club

    With so many choices, it’s so easy to flub

    They’ll have to work hard to keep everything straight,

    To avoid a new moniker that their fans will all hate

     

    The Alouettes’ new owners don’t need to be fancy

    Just start winning games before fans there get antsy

    While Hamilton fans want to see action

    As they see their team gaining some traction

     

    It’s like we were walking with a permanent haze on

    Spending our days arguing pineapple and raisin

    Pizza toppings and the tart made of butter

    Were the only topics that made our hearts go a flutter

     

    Some fans would question if the league could survive

    While here, loyal readers still prove it can thrive

    We’ve all waited patiently, our fandom still keen

    As we searched for the news of a COVID vaccine

     

    Oh Pfizer, Moderna, and GlaxoSmithKline

    Please send us the shots for which we all pine

    Give them to coaches, cheerleaders and especially players

    So we can go back to watching while all dressed in layers

     

    For the football we love with all of our hearts

    And root for our teams, in defiance of smarts

    All across Canada, in cities and towns

    We just want to see our beloved 3Downs

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      Ryan Ballantine
      Ryan Ballantine
      Ryan Ballantine is a lifelong Stamps fan and host of the Horsemen Radio Podcast. He has been covering the team since 2008.

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