It wouldn’t be a pop culture holiday without some sort of tongue-in-cheek article comparing CFL teams to something relevant to that holiday.
So, with a knowing wink and the knowledge that some of you will tear me apart in the comment section, I am proud to offer the following list.
Here is what each franchise represents in your pumpkin-shaped bucket after returning home from a night trick-or-treating in the most Canadian of ways (your costume completely covered by your winter jacket.)
In reverse order of our latest power rankings:
Ottawa Redblacks – Dental Floss/Toothbrush
Here we were hoping for something delicious and appetizing and all we are left with is the grim reminder that everything beautiful comes with a price tag.
The bill that Redblacks fans had to pay this season after watching the franchise burst onto the scene with a pair of Grey Cup appearances and a win has come due in a big way — and they may need a thorough brushing to rid any potential decay.
Toronto Argos – Candy Corn
It has corn in the name. They try to fool you by saying candy first, but no one looks at these and thinks they are great.
Often left uneaten or thrown away, they are an acquired taste that only appeal to a select few in the market.
B.C. Lions – Those Black Liquorice-Tasting Toffee Things in the Orange Wrapper
Like this candy, the Lions are full of promise until you get past the surface. Then they offer you only disappointment when you actually try and ingest what they are offering.
Another candy offered to many, but enjoyed by few.
Edmonton Eskimos – The Can of Pop
When it first lands in the pumpkin, you get pretty pumped up about it. Then as time goes on the weight makes it harder and harder to continue being excited that you have it until you begin to regret your initial excitement.
Montreal Alouettes – The Bag of Chips
You headed out for the night in search of everything sweet, and then found something salty offered. It wasn’t what you were looking for, but after your initial feelings you decide it’s exactly the palate-cleanser that will give you a little joy.
Winnipeg Blue Bombers – Maynards Sweets
This team started the year looking like Swedish Berries but the CFL awards voting seems to have transformed them into Sour Patch Kids. If they go a 29th straight year without a Grey Cup win, I imagine some Wine Gums will erupt from an unsatisfied fanbase.
Calgary Stampeders – Rockets
Reliably in the bag every year and always a crowd pleaser, the Stampeders face a little bit of pushback from candy enthusiasts who just want something new for a change.
Saskatchewan Roughriders – The “Fun-Size” chocolate bar
Offering just slightly less than the top entry on the list, the fun-size chocolate bar offers you a tease of what can be while not offering quite as much as the adherents would like.
Hamilton Tiger Cats – The Full-Size Chocolate Bar
The house on the block that offers the full-size bar is the one that is on everyone’s radar when meeting up on your trick or treat journey. It is a must-have.