This has taken a few days to make its way around the Information Superhighway but man-o-man is it worth it.
Rider fan “Sheldon” called into the SportsCage post-game show after Saskatchewan lost 23-17 to the Montreal Alouettes last Saturday and absolutely went off. The whole thing is worth a listen because the words don’t do justice to the level of emotion and vitriol he unleashes but here goes…
He starts slow – though the fact that his wife wouldn’t let him in the house was probably the first warning sign – and with a joke that Duron Carter would probably appreciate:
“I’m vibrating right now in my car. I have to be outside because the wife won’t let me inside because I’m about to scream. First off, do we know when Justin Trudeau is legalizing marijuana in Canada here because I’m going to need a pound of OG Kush just to get me through whatever the hell that was tonight. That was a complete disgrace.”
Nice opener! But he was just getting warmed up.
“I heard Glen Suitor talk about something stupid, leaving Brandon Bridge in for the rest of the game or at least giving him a chance. The guy was 8 for 18, 118 yards and two interceptions. He played like crap tonight. This is embarrassing. 56 to 10 the Alouettes lost last week – 56 to 10! – to Winnipeg and a backup quarterback. You come out and put up 17 points? Jones, what the hell kind of experiment is this? People aren’t talking about the most important thing, not only are we getting burned defensively by Duron Carter, who claimed to be the best player in the league last week, but we’re getting hurt offensively because that’s where he’s most effective!”
He hits all the high notes here – Bridge’s poorly play, Jones’ inexplicable devotion to Carter on defence and the fact that the Riders lost to the previously hapless Alouettes. The next targets in Sheldon’s sights: Glen Suitor and Bridge.
“I don’t know what was more disgusting by TSN, having Glen Suitor talk about leaving Brandon Bridge in or watching a 15-second close up of Mike Sherman’s gut trying to take off his fricking mic at the end of the game. That was embarrassing! I’m disgusted right now! I could take it if it was a tight back and forth game, a couple of lead changes but we weren’t even in it. Start to finish, we played the worst team in football probably in Canada – and I’m including Regina minor football – and we lost by six points at home.”
That’s the good stuff right there. Another shot at Suitor, Sherman’s gut, and a well-stated hot take that the Alouettes are the “worst team in football probably in Canada.” Sheldon is firing on all cylinders now and getting ready for the big finish.
“You pay $475,000 for a quarterback that’s 0-12 in his last 12 games, you can’t get a serviceable backup? Good God! I’m disgusted right now, absolutely pissed off!! Stupid coaching!! Terrible defence!! Undisciplined penalties!! 150 yards??!! How do you take a hundred fifty yards against the Montreal Alouettes??!! They have two boneheaded quarterbacks in there and you take 150 yards?!! Come on!! Jesus!! 23-17!! I’m freaking livid, I’m absolutely livid!! If that’s the kind of effort I’m going to see every week, I would rather go and watch the Access 7 Channel of a bunch of old people doing the waltz around the dance floor. That was garbage!! Just garbage!!”
Honestly, we probably haven’t used enough exclamation marks to do this whole rant justice and “Access 7 Channel” crack was just gold. The thing is, despite his emotion, it’s hard to argue with much of what Sheldon said.
Here’s hoping he calls back this week (assuming he didn’t watch old people dancing instead.)