Let’s get ready to rumble: booking a CFL WrestleMania

It’s WrestleMania weekend, y’all! Which means, yes, we are doing this again.

In the past I have compared players to a number of different superheroes and sci-fi icons, and I recently compared every team to the 2017 Best Picture Oscar nominees, but this is going to something different. Instead of going the regular route of comparing players to famous pro wrestlers, past and present, I decided something else would be a lot more fun: Creating a WrestleMania card using CFL players.

So here it is. An eight-match card headlined by a crazy main event that will leave fans clamouring for more. So sit down and enjoy the first annual CFL WrestleMania. Calling the action live from B.C. Place Stadium — we needed the biggest venue for biggest event — will be our own Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, Chris Cuthbert and Glen Suitor.

Cane on a Pole match: Joe Kapp vs. King Kong Mosca
A grudge match that dates back all the way to the 99th Grey Cup opens our show. Kapp and Mosca square off in a cane on a pole match, where whomever retrieves the cane first is allowed to use it on their opponent.

Mosca starts the match off by mauling Kapp, but Kapp uses his superior speed to climb the pole and retrieve the cane. Kapp wallops Mosca with it a few times, and King Kong starts to retreat. But undeterred, Mosca grabs the cane out of Kapp’s hand, snaps it over his leg and slaps Kapp in a sleeper hold. Kapp starts to fade, the referee checks on him, raising his arm three times and watching it fall all three times. The bell rings and Mosca is our winner, gaining a little bit of retribution for what happened in Vancouver over five years ago.

Bo Levi Mitchell vs. Chris Jones
This one is over before it starts as Jones has all 7,503 members of the pre-practice squad take out Mitchell before the match can even begin.

All-mascot battle royale
Don’t lie, even if you hate this whole premise, you would love to see the various team mascots kick the tar out of each other. In a shocking upset, Jason the Argonaut last eliminates Punter by kicking him out of the ring to win the battle royale.

Greg Ellingson and Brad Sinopoli vs. Kevin Elliott and Brian Tyms
This one has been dubbed “The Battle of the Buds.” The Ottawa duo of Ellingson and Sinopoli have proclaimed dominion over the term “buds” and have not taken too kindly the Hamilton pair of Elliott and Tyms using it to describe themselves. But just as the two teams are about to square off, another pair of buds interject themselves into the proceedings, as Simoni Lawrence and Shamawd Chambers take out both teams with vicious chair shots and walk out claiming the title of “Best Buds.”

Loser Leaves Twitter match: Shawn Lemon vs. Odell Willis vs. Derek Dennis
After months of battling on social media, three titans of the Twittersphere square off to decide once and for all who the best really is. The caveat is that the loser of the match will be banned from Twitter forever.

Lemon takes a beating early on as Willis and Dennis team up, but bickering between the two over who got to pin Lemon allowed the big man to hit a pair of Lemon Drops on each of them. As Lemon is about to pin Dennis, the lights go out, and when they come back on, Marcel Desjardins is standing in the ring. The beef between these two goes back years and as Lemon stares at Desjardins, the latter cracks the former in the face with a phone (ya know, for tweeting) and leaves the ring. Willis crawls over and pins Lemon for the 1-2-3. Willis wins and Lemon is banished from Twitter forever.

”Stone Cold” Kent Austin vs. Andre Proulx
Austin rocks him with a Stone Cold Stunner and starts crushing brews as his theme song plays.

Steel Cage match: Duron Carter, with Kenny Stafford vs. Rakeem Cato
These two men hate each other. Like full-on Shawn-Michaels-and-Bret-Hart-circa-1997 hate. They nearly came to blows last summer at a Montreal Alouettes practice and now we are letting them settle things once and for all… in a 15-foot-high steel cage.

Carter enters to the arena with Kenny Stafford beside him. Cato attacks both men from behind, laying out Stafford and throwing Carter into the ring. The cage door is locked shut, and we are off. Cato batters Carter around, tossing him into the cage and bloodying his former teammate. Cato isn’t in this to win it, but to cause as much physical damage on Carter as possible.

Stafford wakes up, climbs the cage and moonsaults onto Cato. This allows Carter to get to his feet and a two-on-one beating ensues. Just as Carter is about to hit a spike piledriver on Cato, music hits and… BY GAWD, IS THAT RICK CAMPBELL’S MUSIC!?

Rick Campbell climbs the cage and starts taunting Carter from atop the steel structure. This distraction allows Cato to back drop Stafford and surprise Carter with a top-rope power bomb. With both men incapacitated, Cato ascends the cage, stopping at the top to flip both Stafford and Carter the bird, before climbing down and winning the match.

Campbell gives Cato a hug and the two leave, victorious.

Jeffrey Orridge vs. Rod Pedersen
This is the main event of the evening, as the mouth of the prairies finally gets his chance to put his hands on the man he has been one-sidedly feuding with for months. But before anything can happen, the lights go off and a spotlight hits the rafters and we see a man in a mask, clad in all black and holding a baseball bat standing atop B.C. Place Stadium. He descends from the rafters and reveals himself to be…

Former CFL commissioner Mark Cohon!

Cohon says nothing and just starts pointing at the signs in the audience that say “Cohon Wants Orridge.” Cohon then points at Orridge and just as he is about to take a swing at him, Pedersen cracks him in the back with a steel chair! Pedersen has turned! He has joined with Orridge! Rowdy Roddy, as he now wants to be called, grabs the mic and hands it to Orridge. Orridge says, “The conspiracy is true! And Roddy knew because he was in on it the whole time. HAHAHAHAHA!”

As the crowd boos and trash starts to fill the ring, Darian Durant appears on the big screen.

“I may not be a member of Rider Nation any longer, but I will always, ALWAYS, have their back. So if you two jabronis are man enough, let’s make this a tag team match!”

The crowd roars in approval and Durant makes his way to the ring as “Bring ‘Em Out!” blares from the speakers. As Durant hits the ring, Pedersen and Orridge take a powder and head up the ramp. Durant shakes his head, but picks up Cohon and raises his hand. This sets up the main event for the next event, where Durant and Cohon will take on Orridge and Pedersen — now called “Conspiracy Inc.” — in a a match where the winners will become co-commissioners of the CFL.

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