Top-20 ways the CFL should break ties

There’s nothing worse than sitting through an action-packed football game only for it to end in a tie. Nobody likes ties. Ties are the worst.

Such an occurrence took place on Friday night when the Calgary Stampeders and Ottawa Redblacks — in a game that was listed as a pick’em, believe it or not — played to a 26-26 draw after two overtime mini-games solved nothing.

To avoid future ties in the CFL, I’ve compiled a list of the top-20 ways in which the league could avoid settling for draws in the future.

1. Flip the field

A third mini-game is played with a twist: all offensive and defensive players must swap sides. I want to see Toronto’s Keon Raymond throw a winning touchdown pass to Jermaine Gabriel over an outstretched Marquay McDaniel. It could happen.

2. 40-yard footrace

The 40-yard dash has always been football’s hallmark measurement for speed. Why not use it as the framework for a one-off, winner-take-all race between the teams’ speediest player?

3. 40-yard footrace (beef edition)

The same as above, only the player selected by either team has to be the heaviest guy on the roster. I want to see a footrace between Ottawa’s J’Michael Deane (328 pounds) and Saskatchewan’s Brendon LaBatte (320). That’d make for outstanding theatre.

4. Head coach rap battle

If overtime can’t produce a winner, I want to see opposing head coaches head to midfield to bust their fattest rhymes for ninety second apiece. Each coach would be able to select one of their assistants as a hype-man. A rap battle between Wally Buono and Kent Austin? Yes please.

5. Kick-off

Opposing kickers take turns booting field goals from gradually increasing distances. First to miss loses.

6. Kick-off (non-kicker edition)

Same as above, only teams must use a player who has never kicked or punted in a CFL game.

7. Purolator tackle hunger

The team whose city donated the most pounds of food during their most recent tackle hunger event wins the game.

8. Andre Pr-who?

Each team selects a player to perform a ten-second impersonation of head official Andre Proulx. Winner earns his team the victory, with Proulx himself serving as the judge.

9. Pop culture trivia

Both teams select a coach from the opposing staff to compete in a game of pop culture trivia. Given the extent to which some coaches ignore all non-football-related news during the season (and off-season, too, for some), this could be a long contest.

10. Paintball free-for-all

All 88 players are given a fully-loaded paintball gun. The last player with a paint-free uniform earns his team the victory. Go.

11. Heaviest lift competition

A bench press is brought out to centre field with a large number of 45-pound plates. The player who succeeds in performing the heaviest lift wins.

12. QB accuracy test

A number of targets are placed around the field with point values increasing as throws become tougher. Both starting quarterbacks get fifteen balls to toss. The player who finishes the most points takes the game.

13. Dance-off

Self-explanatory.

14. Hot dog eating contest

The five starting offensive lineman from each team compete to see which group can eat the most hot dogs in a three-minute period.

15. Arm wrestle

Two opposing players engage in an arm wrestling match at midfield. Winner earns his team two points.

16. Arm wrestle (featherweight edition)

Same as above, only the participating players must be the lightest from their respective rosters. Who would win in an arm wrestle between Winnipeg’s Weston Dressler (167 pounds) and Hamilton’s Brandon Banks (153)? I want to find out.

17. Injury report

The team that provided the most accurate, in-depth injury report prior to the game gets the win.

18. Karaoke

Self-explanatory. Bonus points for ballads.

19. Bad call make-up

If a league official determines that the game was sent to overtime because of a bad call, the team that was wrongly penalized gets the win.

20. Coin toss

Flip a coin to determine the winner. After all, even a coin flip is better than a useless tie.

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