A little over a month ago, when Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was released, I had a little fun and cast some Ticats in the roles of DC’s Justice League. As you may be aware, this weekend sees the release of another highly anticipated superhero movie in Captain America: Civil War. Since we covered DC’s heroes last time, it is only fair that we show Marvel some love. The third Captain America movie is much larger in scope than the Batman-Superman showdown, so instead of sticking to just the Ticats, the entire CFL will be in play. The main conflict in Civil War is a fight between two teams, one led by Iron Man and the other by Captain America. So instead of just casting players, I decided to split them up into teams based on their divisions.
But before we get into the teams, we need to start outside of it with this one choice:
CFL commissioner Jeffrey Orridge as Nick Fury
Two bald, black men who run their organizations, but take heat for the way they run it sometimes. Now all we need to do is get the CFL commish to put on an eyepatch and the comparison will be complete.
With that out of the way, I now present to you the Canadian Football Civil War.
Ricky Ray as Captain America
He’s the old guy, the nice guy, the quiet guy. Is it Steve Rogers or Ricky Ray I am talking about? Exactly.
Chad Owens as Winter Solider
Bucky Barnes is the one-time best friend of Steve Rogers who became his enemy (and then friend again). Chad Owens is Ricky Ray’s one-time battery mate who has become his enemy now that Owens has traded in the double blue for some black and gold.
Henry Burris as Red Skull
Burris is old, just like Red Skull. Burris wears red and black, just like Red Skull. Burris is the long-time, and perhaps greatest, nemesis of Ricky Ray, just like Red Skull is the long-time, and perhaps greatest, nemesis of Captain America. Also, come on, after all the slagging Burris did towards Hamilton and the end of last year, I had to choose him as some kind of villain.
Ted Laurent as The Incredible Hulk
Hamilton’s No. 97 may not wear green, but he is big and strong. He also is kind of mild mannered, but when he gets angry, well, let’s just say opposing teams do like it when Ted Laurent gets angry.
Brandon Banks as Ant-Man
Tiny, agile, and able to make great things happen in small spaces. Sounds like the perfect match to me.
Nik Lewis as Groot
Groot is a massive tree-like creature that doesn’t say much, but packs a major punch and comes through when his team needs him the most. While no one will say that Nik Lewis is adverse to talking, he is a lumbering receiver who has a knack for making the big play when his team needs it.
Kevin Glenn as The Falcon
Glenn has always kind of played second fiddle to Ray. Both started around the same time, but Ray was the one who exploded onto the scene, and Glenn has always kind of been in Ray’s shadow because of it. Like Cap and Falcon, Ray and Glenn are both good, but one is seen as a slightly less great version of the other.
Simoni Lawrence as Loki
The man known as Simmy Hov is known to be a bit a trickster, but also is one of the most-feared players in the league. Loki is a literal trickster, but is one of the most-feared villains in all of the Marvel universe. These are guys you want on your team for what they can do, but hate them when they are against you.
Chip Cox as Black Widow
The Black Widow is a super spy who can do it all and isn’t afraid to bend the rules should she see fit. Chip Cox has been one of the most versatile linebackers over the course of his career, but he also is not afraid to play on the edge of the rules, and sometimes go right over them, in order to get an advantage.
S.J. Green as Vision
The embodiment of pure good, The Vision can fly, has super strength and can do things no mere mortal would ever think of doing. We have seen S.J. Green fly, use his strength to outmuscle defenders and do things previously thought impossible. Case in point:
Chris Williams as Scarlet Witch
Chris Williams has created magic on the field, whether it be when he was in Hamilton or Ottawa. The guy does things that are otherworldly, which makes him the perfect Scarlet Witch, who can use literal magic to make the otherworldly seem of this world.
Chris Jones as Thanos
This one was easy. Jones is out collecting teams like Thanos is collecting Infinity Gems, and let’s be honest, if anyone is going to be the big bad of the 2016 CFL season, like Thanos is the big bad of the Marvel universe it’s Chris Jones.
Mike Reilly as Iron Man
When people think of Iron Man, they think of a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. While those qualities don’t exactly describe Mike Reilly, Iron Man is also a leader and Mike Reilly is also the unquestioned leader of the Edmonton Eskimos.
Jon Jennings as Spider-Man
The new kid on the block with all the amazing powers that everyone is excited to see. That can describe both Spider-Man, who is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe in Civil War, and Jon Jennings, who is going into his second season in BC. Jennings showed flashes of what he could be late last year, and everyone is excited to see what he will do for an encore.
Adarius Bowman as War Machine/Iron Patriot
If Owens is the Bucky to Ray’s Cap, then Bowman is the Rhodey to Rielly’s Iron Man. These two go hand in hand and you can’t imagine one without the other. Both perform better when the other is next to them, making them inseparable on both the football field and the battlefield.
Manny Arceneaux as Black Panther
Black Panther is a bit of mystery. He keeps himself relatively secluded in his home nation of Wakanda, but we know he has world-class athletic ability. Manny Arceneaux has been one of the league’s best receivers over the last few years, and obviously is an amazing athlete, but his stature is not as high as other players partly because he plays in BC, which is a bit secluded from the rest of the league as their late start times means a lot of fans don’t get the chance to enjoy The Manny Show. But when the spotlight shines on them, like it will with Black Panther in Civil War, fans know they will be in for a treat.
Bo Levi Mitchell as Hawkeye
Hawkeye is an important character in the Marvel universe, with his deadly accuracy with a bow and arrow, but he has yet to reach his full potential in any of the movies he has been in. Mitchell is an all-star-level quarterback who is deadly accurate with a football, and at such a young age, he has still not yet reached the heights everyone knows he can.
Weston Dressler as Gamora
The green thing is the obvious connection — Gamora has green skin, Dressler wore green every year until this upcoming one — but both also left their first team to help a rival. Gamora turned her back on Thanos to align with the other Guardians of the Galaxy, much like Dressler has aligned himself with the Roughriders biggest rival, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
Shawn Lemon as Rocket Raccoon
Rocket loves to talk, but can backup his talk. Lemon might be the league’s biggest chatterbox (just check out his Twitter account), but he backs up all his talk with his play on the field. You can’t underestimate either, which makes them the perfect pairing.
Solomon Elimimian as Drax the Destroyer
Big, strong and scary, both Solly and Drax strike fear into the hearts of their opponents. Also, Drax was played by former WWE Superstar Dave Bautista, and if there is one CFL player who could probably make it in the world of professional wrestling, it’s BC’s No. 56.
Almondo Sewell: as Thor
If Ted Laurent is Hulk, then it only makes sense for Sewell to be the God of Thunder. Hulk may be stronger, but Thor can more than hold his own when the two clash (as they did in the first Avengers movie). Equals in almost every way, Sewell makes the perfect Thor (minus the luscious locks sported by the heir to the Asgardian throne).
Odell Willis as Star-Lord
Initially you would think that the man known as The Mayor of Commonwealth would be a political figure, but there are none in the Marvel universe as loquacious as Willis. So instead, I opted for Star-Lord himself, Peter Quill. Quill is brash and braggadocios, two words that aptly describe Willis. So the Mayor might not run a city, but he does get to lead a ragtag group of butt-kicking fighters. BONE indeed.
So there you have it, my CFL Civil War teams. Which side are you on? Are you #CFLTeamEast or #CFLTeamWest? Let me know in the comments section and on social media.